Trigger warning: Being pinned down, surgery, feeling of torture

. . . 15 years ago, I underwent a surgery for my whatever-the-fuck-you-call-it-disease on my neck. Doctors decided I should be awake during the operation.

Surgery time!

I was pretty nervous but I trust them cos they're professionals.

Plot twist: the anesthesia failed.

I could literally feel all the cut, snip, and all the motherfucking pain you could ever imagine like I wasn't given any anesthesia at all.

I screamed and moved.

Doctor shrugged it off and instructed the assistants to pin me down while he continues his surgery. And the motherfuckers did.

I screamed in excruciating pain and told them to stop. They didn't. For the whole duration of the surgery, I could feel all the pain and they didn't listen.

Worse, I can see my reflection in the turned-off surgical light. I can see a small 9 year old girl being treated like a pig. There were around 5-6 people pinning a helpless girl down.

One pregnant assistant even told me to just hold her hand. Like what's it gonna do, relieve my pain? It fucking didn't you fucking genius. Maybe tell your stupid head surgeon to stop the operation or fucking call the anaesthetician for his miscalculations or maybe just kill me so all the pain would stop???

Now it haunts me every night. I get flashbacks randomly because these fuckers didn't even think of the psychological effect it would give me.

Fuck you and your stupid brain. Fuck all of you even more for pretending it went well and didn't schedule me up for psychological debriefing the day after cos you're afraid everyone will know your malpractice. Or you just didn't care about the psychological effects or you have no empathy or you have a surgery diploma but is still a dumbfuck.

I hope your kids never experience the same.