I was born with a gift: I’m clairvoyant. That means that ever since a young age, I could see what happens in the future. You’d think that it would be a super useful ability to predict natural disasters, to stop murderous crimes before they happen, to get rich off the stock market and sports gambling. Oh, I wish it were simple like that.

Here’s the catch about my powers — it only applies to extra-relational affairs. Yep, that means the only thing I can see is people cheating on their partners or spouses. I only need the slightest bit of contact with a person — usually holding their hands will suffice — and like some sort of a makeshift future lie detector, I will be able to envision how that person ends up cheating on their boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife.

I first found out about this in second grade when I saw a vision of my classmate Tommy holding my other classmate Kitty’s hand, when he was supposed to be exclusive with Pamela in the class next door. Two weeks later, it happened before my very eyes on the playground, making Pamela cry like there was no tomorrow and breaking her heart for the very first time.

Somehow, I also messed up my parents’ marriage as well — leading to their divorce even though it was pretty much inevitable. It was during a Thanksgiving dinner that my mom had grabbed my hand to give thanks for the food, and I foresaw her kissing the Santa Claus at a strip mall. Needless to say, I wasn’t very hungry after that, told my dad about it and they got divorced half a year later.

It’s now an extremely profitable side business for me, with more and more referrals coming in because of the uncanny accuracy with which I predict these things. It’s usually the girlfriends that come in with their boyfriends, pretending that they’re going to a psychic reading, where in fact they just want to know if they’re with someone that’s husband material. Of course, I put on a whole act about how I can see a future with a dog and a house and a white picket fence, so it doesn’t throw the boyfriend off.

What they don’t know is that the flip side also applies — sometimes the boyfriend comes in advance and pays me even more to lie and cover up the future truth for them. Because there’s no running away from destiny, but I can sure pocket a lot more cash by double-dipping.

So, if you know anyone who’s insecure about their relationship and afraid that their partner might cheat on them… you know who to call.