I’m scared of the world not being what I want it to be. I want to believe in that which I can’t see. I want to believe in enlightenment and spirituality. But what is the truth?

Scientific arguments debunking these phenomena make me feel disappointed and scared because I find solace in those things and I want to believe them because they are much more holy to me than all the material shit in this world.

Science and facts seem to be the only thing we trust and I find it so incredibly boring and 2 dimensional.

What is a fact? Isn’t it a fact just a theory everybody believes?

The grey skies, the constant whirring of machines, and all materialistic bullshit that isn’t worth anything.

Or is it? Is it the only thing that’s worth something since it's all I can really see with my eyes and feel with my hands?

I want to believe that there is something out there and I’m constantly finding a reason to believe otherwise.

What if we are just flesh on a rock in the middle of space?

Are we really here on accident and when we die does everything just go dark?

We’re destroying this rock in order to have a moment's fun with the materialistic items and then discard them when something new catches out attention.

And when the fun comes to and end and the rock grows cold there will be nothing and nobody to remember we ever existed.

In a funny way, I think about my own life the same way. Am I really just a flash in time? When I die will anybody remember me? Will I have had any impact on the world?

Here’s the irony. Despite all that I also want to enjoy materialistic things. All my life I grew up looking up to people with money and materialistic shit.

Am I a terrible person for wanting that?

Am I a terrible person for being jealous of those who have that which I desire?