For 23 years when I felt angry I would shake.
When I would feel sad I would shake.

Tears came rarely and when they did the act of crying would feel more shameful than relieving. One particular night of digging through repressed memories after months of therapy and talking through my past brought on a rush of swift and violent emotions. It was as though my body suddenly realized it should feel rage and sorrow. The weight of being used, abused, then cast aside and vilified by a whole group of individuals who were said to love me at one point tore through my chest. It was as though I had been walking a tight rope made of glass that shattered, remembering how poorly it had been tempered. Suddenly I was falling. Drowning.
Suffocating. When before I had been treading water and breathing through air holes.

“Nice to Meet Blue” is the first of many paintings I created within the span of few short months where most days I was painting 9 to 14 hours a day in an attempt to smother my brain with constant-creation, video games, drugs, music, media, alcohol, and toxic-friendships.

All in an effort to cope with how it felt my life was nosediving.

Many would see beauty when looking at the figure in the painting, she instead reminds me of the feelings I thought were a weakness at the time
Feelings I felt I couldn’t control, much like a toddler learning how to navigate this immediate new world of emotion inside my mind

Through therapy and self discovery I learned that there is a place for both anger and sadness.

Being able to truly feel these emotions with your brain is a skill and a gift that enriches life while also helping you survive and draw boundaries.

Nice To Meet Blue, for me is a representation of when I first started to become whole, and got to meet a less deconstructed version of myself.

Now I feel strong enough to try and let more of you meet that me.
💙