Trigger warning for those grappling with their existence… For a long time I struggled with suicidal ideation on or around my period and in relation to my period. My period has been a source of trauma because of all its mysteries. My period has never been regular. And so, I sought medical advice that ended in a forced examination and physical probing without my consent (non-sexual, however, still assaulting). For years I cried at the gyno because my body remembered. Until one day, a lovely doctor in Federal Way, WA told me to get a vibrator. She told me to make new memories with that part of myself. Memories I could control and that my body would celebrate.

For years I still kept quiet about my ideations around my period, because I didn’t realize they were related, and I feared they were related in a way that made me ashamed: I didn’t want to be proof of “hysteria” or PMS. So I kept quiet until I heard comedian Nicki Glazer talk on an infamous podcast my boyfriend at the time really loved (red flag)—but she shared her similar experience, and it made me realize I wasn’t alone. So I googled it and was surprised to see stats on how prevalent suicide is for those who menstruate while they are menstruating. This is a piece I created during one of those times. I hope for anyone who feels the weight of a uterus to also know they are not alone and this issue deserves to be looked at and heal.

Artist Twitter: @darlingnftease