In Genesis 3, Eve is tricked by a lesbian serpent into eating an apple from the tree of knowledge. The serpent, ready with her Subaru and U-Haul trailer, knows that god will punish Eve with painful childbirth, and that she will become the chattel of her husband Adam for her despicable act of disrespect. The serpent wagers that Eve will have no choice but to live life as a lesbian if she wants to avoid this perennial pain.

Being skeptical of living life with a slithering scissoring snake, Eve convinces Adam to eat the apple too, thinking that he will be punished equally when god finds out. She miscalculated. God sentences her to make as many children with Adam as possible once he learns what happened.

Eve realizes that American Eagle will not be invented for another 200,000 years. She knows she cannot live life as a lesbian without modern clothing. She capitulates to having a heterosexual life, and fashions clothing out of available foliage with Adam.

Later in the bible, god gets angry with the serpent. He turns her into a sadistic, unfunny comedienne on daytime American television in order to spread hollow platitudes to unemployed morbidly women. God definitely knows he has a good sense of humor. He doesn't want anyone to outshine him.