After years of watching kids prance around the field in low-scoring games, the United States has reluctantly agreed to admit that Soccer is a Class 3 Sport. The change will put soccer in the ranks of pinball, cornhole, synchronized swimming, and beer pong, which have each been recognized as sports for 25+ years.

“While not a real sport where there is either a ball that can move at 90+ mph or physical contact (sorry, flopping is not contact), Soccer will be allowed to call itself a sport,” said Tom Lugger, head of the U.S. Committee for Sports Classification. “I was initially against the change, until the my sister’s 9-year-old started having a hissy fit. So, I thought. What the hell. It ain’t football, but it can’t hurt anymore than marching band did in turning America in a land of sissies.”

To commemorate this “honor,” you can buy one of these commemorative soccer balls. Because of the dubiousness of the decision, we will dump… that is sell these at a very low price.

The money from the sale of this item will be used to buy beer for the Roadkill Pancake team, so they can wipe the memory of this tragedy from their minds.