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For months I have missed what will formally be known as our future. I am fully aware that we are deeply and carelessly planning the “future” together, but it’s not what I thought it would be.

I am holding on to two realities, living two lives, and imagining two futures. One where I love you, which is true. And another where I don’t want to be married to you, which is also true.

My love for you is mixed up with grief. So much grief.

Grieving our twenties, grieving my father + your future father in law + grandfather of our children, the nights on the couch, the times you’ve left, the times I’ve locked you out, ignored you, shut you down, the words you’ve screamed, the tears and time i lost. the hugs and kisses i didn’t get when i needed them, but didn’t want anyways.

I’m grieving our future and the happiness I felt when I thought of us. Songs that used to remind me of you make me miss you even when you’re right next to me.

I know I am to blame. I wish I was open and available. I wish I could show my heart the way I see yours. I wish I could accept the reality of so many unhappily married couples— maybe we don’t need to be lovers or even friends to be married, but we used to be both and I want and need both and more.

I wanted it all so badly I didn’t even wait for us to work through this part of our relationship. Every day that goes by feels like a ticking time bomb. Like I’m failing us, our family, our future. We made this decision and it became about so much more than just us. If I believed what we have right now is enough, while knowing it will never be what i really want it to be, or imagined it to be since i was little, we might be able to get through this.

Every moment we’ve been through, be it insanely happy or immensely sad, casts a small line from my heart. At first it was a few. But now there are so many tangled, knitted, bunched and bound. It’s a mess I might never be able to undo. The pain is like putting bandaids over bullet wounds. We keep covering them and kissing them better until we stop kissing and stop covering altogether. The wounds are infected and bones are fractured. Everything hurts. Everything.

Every day I hope the clouds part and the storm will end but neither of us are the sun.

I am afraid to lose you. I’ve felt afraid to lose you before but nothing the way I felt in the last year. Every time you’ve left the house there’s a deep void and crippling fear that you won’t come back.

Part of it is the grief but most of it is trust. You’ve done it before- intentionally. You’ve let me scream and beg and hang off your body desperate for you to stay and still you’ve walked out just to drive to the other side of the street or the house and know you’ve taken a piece of my heart with me.

You’ve known my loss and my fear and my pain and you’ve swallowed it. At the very least, whenever you can, you’ve chewed it up and spit it out. On December 31 you left. Not drunk or explosive but you left. Left me crying on the couch with no explanation after I told you I was unhappy. To me, at that moment, it became clear that we were never getting better.

I wish I could love more, forgive more, forget more, move on more. I wish I could reach out and touch more. It’s not that I never do, but when I do it’s in the safety and stillness of 3am when you’re sound asleep. It’s a finger on your back or a brush of my hand across your chest. It’s all that I can manage and it’s the only time I can function without the scrutiny of my own judgement.

27 Times by Karsen Daily collection image
27 Times is a collection of original poetry by Karsen Daily, minted on the Ethereum blockchain as 1/1 NFTs. Each token is programmed by the "heartcode" – they are nontransferable with the exception of the dates titling each poem. 27 Times is a cross-medium, poetic NFT collection featuring 27 artist collaborators.
Contract Address0x2121...b18b
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Token StandardERC-721
BlockchainEthereum
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10%

01.07.20

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For months I have missed what will formally be known as our future. I am fully aware that we are deeply and carelessly planning the “future” together, but it’s not what I thought it would be.

I am holding on to two realities, living two lives, and imagining two futures. One where I love you, which is true. And another where I don’t want to be married to you, which is also true.

My love for you is mixed up with grief. So much grief.

Grieving our twenties, grieving my father + your future father in law + grandfather of our children, the nights on the couch, the times you’ve left, the times I’ve locked you out, ignored you, shut you down, the words you’ve screamed, the tears and time i lost. the hugs and kisses i didn’t get when i needed them, but didn’t want anyways.

I’m grieving our future and the happiness I felt when I thought of us. Songs that used to remind me of you make me miss you even when you’re right next to me.

I know I am to blame. I wish I was open and available. I wish I could show my heart the way I see yours. I wish I could accept the reality of so many unhappily married couples— maybe we don’t need to be lovers or even friends to be married, but we used to be both and I want and need both and more.

I wanted it all so badly I didn’t even wait for us to work through this part of our relationship. Every day that goes by feels like a ticking time bomb. Like I’m failing us, our family, our future. We made this decision and it became about so much more than just us. If I believed what we have right now is enough, while knowing it will never be what i really want it to be, or imagined it to be since i was little, we might be able to get through this.

Every moment we’ve been through, be it insanely happy or immensely sad, casts a small line from my heart. At first it was a few. But now there are so many tangled, knitted, bunched and bound. It’s a mess I might never be able to undo. The pain is like putting bandaids over bullet wounds. We keep covering them and kissing them better until we stop kissing and stop covering altogether. The wounds are infected and bones are fractured. Everything hurts. Everything.

Every day I hope the clouds part and the storm will end but neither of us are the sun.

I am afraid to lose you. I’ve felt afraid to lose you before but nothing the way I felt in the last year. Every time you’ve left the house there’s a deep void and crippling fear that you won’t come back.

Part of it is the grief but most of it is trust. You’ve done it before- intentionally. You’ve let me scream and beg and hang off your body desperate for you to stay and still you’ve walked out just to drive to the other side of the street or the house and know you’ve taken a piece of my heart with me.

You’ve known my loss and my fear and my pain and you’ve swallowed it. At the very least, whenever you can, you’ve chewed it up and spit it out. On December 31 you left. Not drunk or explosive but you left. Left me crying on the couch with no explanation after I told you I was unhappy. To me, at that moment, it became clear that we were never getting better.

I wish I could love more, forgive more, forget more, move on more. I wish I could reach out and touch more. It’s not that I never do, but when I do it’s in the safety and stillness of 3am when you’re sound asleep. It’s a finger on your back or a brush of my hand across your chest. It’s all that I can manage and it’s the only time I can function without the scrutiny of my own judgement.

27 Times by Karsen Daily collection image
27 Times is a collection of original poetry by Karsen Daily, minted on the Ethereum blockchain as 1/1 NFTs. Each token is programmed by the "heartcode" – they are nontransferable with the exception of the dates titling each poem. 27 Times is a cross-medium, poetic NFT collection featuring 27 artist collaborators.
Contract Address0x2121...b18b
Token ID2
Token StandardERC-721
BlockchainEthereum
Creator Earnings
info
10%
  • Sales
  • Transfers
Event
Price
From
To
Date